Its “Election Eyebrow Index” has correctly predicted the winning President in 8 out of the last 9 elections… so the Grooming Lounge feels it has some bona fides in suggesting some helpful personal grooming tips for the Republican Presidential Candidates in advance of tonight’s first televised debate. Because a well-groomed appearance can greatly affect public perception — noted and voted.
And so… the Lounge suggested to KSM the following pro-bono advice for each candidate, designed to counteract perceived weaknesses, ensure TV-debate success and provide staying power*:
Jeb Bush – The younger Bush brother’s conservative image is betrayed by unruly hair sprouting from his head, eyebrows, and nose. Bush needs to tame those stragglers if he wants to continue the family dynasty. Grooming Lounge Experts recommend a simple trim/comb tool for brows, a nose trimmer and some hair cream to get Jeb looking dependable and organized.
Ben Carson – The retired neurosurgeon might currently be under the media radar, but one change to his appearance is likely to help him go further than forecasted. Grooming Lounge recommends removing that goatee. Americans usually like their Presidents clean-shaven, but we can’t recollect a single Commander in Chief with a goatee.
Chris Christie – The New Jersey Governor isn’t shy about expressing his distaste, so Grooming Lounge Experts advise an eyebrow makeover to help the public see a kinder and gentler side. Currently, the candidate’s brows come in low toward inner corner of eyes, creating an ever-present ‘angry face.” Christie also often looks a bit sweaty on stage — and while it may be genetic — sweating may make it appear he’s nervous or has something to hide. We recommend a thorough dousing of Super Powder prior to coming on stage and some cooling wipes for the face.
Ted Cruz – The conservative Cuban/Canadian/American Senator’s hair is in desperate need of some thinning out on the sides. Cruz also tends to look a bit greasy on stage, making him look a bit nervous to voters, so an oil control lotion should be incorporated into his skin care regimen.
Marco Rubio – Rubio is clearly a guy that pays attention to good grooming, but the downfall to his great appearance is his maybe-too-youthful image. Allowing some gray to come through his hair might add an aura of “wisdom.” Perhaps Marco’s hair is naturally void of gray – and if so — Grooming Lounge Experts recommend growing some facial hair (no goatee), as gray hair hits the beard before the hair. That could give him a more distinguished and experienced look.
Mike Huckabee – Huckabee’s biggest issues is with the fine lines and wrinkles on his forehead. Americans don’t want to elect a President that looks stressed out and prematurely aged out before he even starts. A topical treatment should help.
Rand Paul –The major distraction with Paul is the tuft of curls on top of his head. These perm-esque curls lack definition and look childish, reminding us that he’s the son of a multiple time loosing candidate. Grooming Lounge suggests a new cut and a clean part to better reflect his experience.
Donald Trump – The Donald’s hair has long been a character in his own story. Many Americans doubt he is truthful about the nature of his hair and may associate that distrust with aspects of his candidacy. Standing next to nine other men whose grooming routines look more presidential, is likely going to put the brakes on this mogul’s momentum. For starters, Grooming Lounge Experts advise getting rid of thecomb-over and going with a more executive look. As well, his overgrown eyebrows are as unruly as his recent behavior and could use a trim. Perhaps Anderson Cooper can give him some grooming tips the next time he interviews him.
Scott Walker – Walker’s face lacks definition and is just not very memorable. Unless he shapes up his hair and eyebrows, he is likely to get lost in the shuffle. Grooming Lounge Experts suggests a tight, tapered haircut and some styling cream, which will help distinguish Walker. A single application of self-tanner might not hurt either to make him appear a bit healthier (restraint is key here).
*Kasich not forgotten — just not confirmed for the debate at the time of this submission.